Special Edition: How to Write a Worst Seller!

In honor of NaNoWriMo, I thought I'd share what I've learned as a reader and especially as an editor.

So many people are intent on telling you (or selling you) advice on how to write the next best seller. To make millions of dollars. To make millions of friends. To make millions bow to your greatness.

I may not know how to get you there, but here are my top ten bits of advice that, if followed, will practically ensure failure. In other words,

HOW TO WRITE A WORST SELLER IN TEN EASY STEPS

1. Warm up by telling all the writers you know that it's not that hard, and that you can do it better. In your sleep. By typing with only one hand. This is as good a preparatory exercise as stretching.
2. Set yourself a publishing date of two months from the day you sit down to start. I mean, really, it's just like telling a story, except you're writing it down. It can't take more than a week or so to get it all on paper.
3. Use as much slang as possible. You gotta be real, right? That's just the way people talk, and people who read your book either have to understand or they don't deserve to read it.
4. There's no such thing as too many exclamation marks! No! Such! Thing! It's the easiest way to convey excitement! No! It's the ONLY way to convey excitement!
5. You may have to explain every plot point more than once. Your readers have no idea what's going on unless you tell them, and what if they forget?
6. As each character enters the scene, list out their stats so your readers can immediately picture them. It would be terrible if they had the wrong mental picture of your people.
7. All your world-building should be done in the first chapter. Or better yet, your prologue. That way, you don't have to interrupt the story flow later.
8. Only have your friends read it before publishing, because "they'll be honest with me." And what do professional beta readers know that my friends don't know? Are you saying my friends are dumb?
9. Editors are for losers! Real writers write well enough that they don't need those bossypants Cat Ladies telling them librarian rules.
10. There's no reason why you can't make your own cover. MS Paint can do just as well as anyone who puts a picture and a few words together. Or what about that picture of the seven-legged horse your daughter drew? That's adorable. Everyone will agree, and if they don't, they're coldhearted, evil human beings and you don't want them reading your book anyway.

Bonus points are added if you hurry up and publish before anyone can talk you out of it. Because you've just GOT to get that book out to the world! 

Besides, you can always make changes after your reviewers tell you what's needed.

HAPPY WRITING!