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Thursday, November 8, 2018

Special Edition: How to Write a Worst Seller!


In honor of NaNoWriMo, I thought I'd share what I've learned as a reader and especially as an editor.

So many people are intent on telling you (or selling you) advice on how to write the next best seller. To make millions of dollars. To make millions of friends. To make millions bow to your greatness.

I may not know how to get you there, but here are my top ten bits of advice that, if followed, will practically ensure failure. In other words,

HOW TO WRITE A WORST SELLER IN TEN EASY STEPS

  1. Warm up by telling all the writers you know that it's not that hard, and that you can do it better. In your sleep. By typing with only one hand. This is as good a preparatory exercise as stretching.
  2. Set yourself a publishing date of two months from the day you sit down to start. I mean, really, it's just like telling a story, except you're writing it down. It can't take more than a week or so to get it all on paper.
  3. Use as much slang as possible. You gotta be real, right? That's just the way people talk, and people who read your book either have to understand or they don't deserve to read it.
  4. There's no such thing as too many exclamation marks! No! Such! Thing! It's the easiest way to convey excitement! No! It's the ONLY way to convey excitement!
  5. You may have to explain every plot point more than once. Your readers have no idea what's going on unless you tell them, and what if they forget?
  6. As each character enters the scene, list out their stats so your readers can immediately picture them. It would be terrible if they had the wrong mental picture of your people.
  7. All your world-building should be done in the first chapter. Or better yet, your prologue. That way, you don't have to interrupt the story flow later.
  8. Only have your friends read it before publishing, because "they'll be honest with me." And what do professional beta readers know that my friends don't know? Are you saying my friends are dumb?
  9. Editors are for losers! Real writers write well enough that they don't need those bossypants Cat Ladies telling them librarian rules.
  10. There's no reason why you can't make your own cover. MS Paint can do just as well as anyone who puts a picture and a few words together. Or what about that picture of the seven-legged horse your daughter drew? That's adorable. Everyone will agree, and if they don't, they're coldhearted, evil human beings and you don't want them reading your book anyway.
Bonus points are added if you hurry up and publish before anyone can talk you out of it. Because you've just GOT to get that book out to the world! 

Besides, you can always make changes after your reviewers tell you what's needed.

HAPPY WRITING!

33 comments:

  1. Hi Lynda - great fun to read ... and I'm sure you've experienced all of these ... as facts, excuses, or just sheer incompetence ... and I'm so pleased you didn't add a #11 to the list = eg ellipses ... I could add my speciality (!) - but I won't. Cheers Hilary

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    1. Hilary, I hope you never get rid of your ellipses. They've endeared me to your writing. Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the comment!

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  2. Yes, Hillary, ellipses and also em-dashes, or as I read in an agent's article once, "Morse-code writing." I'd also have to include trying to write a novel in a month ... during the busiest time of the year ... not that I know anyone who would actually attempt anything that bonkers!

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    1. Thankfully, many of the NaNoWriMo writers recognize that they're just getting down the bones of their first draft during November, and not writing a complete, ready-to-publish wonder in that time. I think, for many, it's the kick in the pants they need to get themselves at a keyboard and get the words down, once and for all.

      I do question the sanity of choosing November, though. Really. The kickoff to the holiday season, and you're going to sequester yourself for 30 days.

      I know a lot of people who are exactly that bonkers. Some of them look forward to finishing a book, some look forward to outlining, and some don't know what they're doing but they're caught up in the excitement.

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  3. How about a writer who constantly asks for your input as he writes his ever-changing story, and then eagerly accepts your offer to provide a free edit, and then publishes it two or three days later, before you've read it?

    (Sorry, still venting about that!)

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    1. You have every right to vent about that one. I'd still be steaming for years, too.

      Something I stress to people who are new to this is that once I have the MS, they are to STOP WORKING ON IT until I send it back after the first round of edits. There's none of that "I just thought of adding this" or anything like that. The time for change is long before a copyeditor has it in their hands. And publishing before editing? That just makes me twitch.

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    2. This particular writer sent me three or four "final versions" before I offered to edit the book. He changed character names, added chapters, and made all sorts of other changes, too. Such a shame, really. He's really a nice guy otherwise (which is why I offered to edit the book for free, because his financial situation is pretty bleak).

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  4. But! How does anyone know! How exciting! Your story is! Without! Exclamation! Marks!?!?

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    1. Duh, Kim. BOLD TYPE. Nothing else can really convey that, unless there's bold type, underlined, italicized, WITH exclamation marks!

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  5. Unless it's bold type, underlined, italicized, WITH exclamation marks, and it's in a larger font than the rest of the story.

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    1. Oh my goodness, yes. Have you ever read Frank Zappa's autobiography? It's full of exactly that. There is no guesswork as to where the emphasis should be. It's hilarious, irreverent, and was probably a typesetter's nightmare.

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    2. What, Frank Zappa doing something unusual? Who'da thunk it?

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    3. Haha, who knew? He was such a conformist, I can't imagine him thinking outside the box.

      Side note (because you're also a musician): we were watching a Steve Vai interview, and he was talking about his audition for Zappa, where Frank was asking him to play this and that in one style after another after another, and at one point, I believe Vai said something like, "I'm not sure I know how to play *this* in *that* style," and Zappa replied, "Well . . . I hear Linda Ronstadt is looking for a guitarist . . ."

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    4. Whoa! I'm a fan of Linda's, but in context, what a burn!

      Did you ever see the segment from an old Steve Allen show, when Zappa was a very young man (maybe nineteen)? It's on YouTube. Frank's using a bicycle as a musical instrument, and I don't think Steve knew whether to take him seriously or not. Steve pronounced the A in Zappa like the A in "marble" or "farm."

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  6. Oh, dear! I may be guilty of a few of these!!

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    1. I don't believe it. Other than that pesky exclamation mark thing you have going on up there ^. But at least we know for a fact that you're not in the "editors are for losers" category.

      I was going to make that one "Editers are for loosers" in the list, but I figured people might actually think I didn't know any better since it would be the only misspelling.

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    2. Hah! I love it! "Editors are for loosers…"

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  7. WHAT! NO exclamation marks !?! How am I SUPPOSED to exclaim with it . The author exclaimed.
    I hate the exclamation mark filled by the exclaimed dialog tag. I can to close the book.

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    1. I have deal with "Oh no!" she exclaimed! in manuscripts before. Not only the exclamation mark in the dialogue but also on the tag—which also exclaims—just to make sure the emphasis is totally clear.

      My big boss at my day job loves exclamation marks. Granted, he's excited about a lot of things, but when we're sending out a newsletter or something, I probably remove three out of every four !!!! in his copy.

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    2. My writing partner often used multiple exclamation points, which I deleted. Well, all but one of them. He also capitalized inappropriate words in a sentence, as they used to do a lot in the 1800s... or as Trump does now.

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    3. Ah, the old Capitalize Everything Important trick. I run into that quite often in the manuscripts I get. I think in many cases, people figure it's better to capitalize, just in case. Ha! They're wrong. They're all wrong.

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    4. Hey I like capitals. I think they should be scattered liberally throughout the manuscript. Muahaha

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    5. David, I'm with you!

      JT, lol I could say "I know . . ."

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  8. Hello, here from the IWSG FB page and thoroughly enjoyed reading. I'm trying to get rid of exclamation marks (and emojis and Oxford commas as well) so I'm just going to end here with admirable restraint and a full stop.

    Have a great week.

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    1. Hi, Nilanjana! Thanks for the visit and comment.

      Hey, don't get rid of those Oxford commas. The world needs them. Emojis, not so much, so feel free to toss, toss, toss.

      Admirable restraint, haha. Always a welcome thing.

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    2. You might not want to lump commas of any kind in with emojis and EXCESS exclamation points (and then continue with semi-colons and quotation marks and...).

      You have my permission to go after, with a vengeance bordering on obsession, apostrophes misused in plurals and people who can't tell its from it's. There you have my blessing.

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  9. No. 6 is one of my least-favorite authors' choices: stopping all forward motion to describe a character from the socks up. I think it comes from detective stories, where the detective is your only view into the story, knows nothing but what he/she sees when first encountering a character, and feels an unbelievable pressure to say something, anything.

    It's an incredibly bad habit in my very biased opinion, and description is left to stand for characterization, as if the detective were god. Lower case deliberate.

    It allows you to 'get on with the story,' which is what you supposedly want here (after all, you already know the character - why bother to let the reader have the pleasure?).

    Love your list. I think many writers think you're serious.

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    1. I'm happy to note your irritation with the character description too! I have edited out many passages over the years that start with something like "So-and-so spoke first. He was MC's best friend from college and had brown hair and blue eyes. He was wearing his trademark dress shirt and khaki pants, and had glasses." It really gives the impression that everyone freezes in place while the lights dim over the stage, with the exception of a spotlight on that character, and a narrator's voice is heard from above.

      Gosh, I hope everyone knows I'm not serious. Unless they truly want to write a worst seller, in which case I say go for it!

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  10. Very funny! Sadly though, some people will wholeheartedly believe one or more of these, and there's no filter on self-publishing to stop it. Hopefully most authors are more sensible!

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    1. Not surprisingly, Nick, all these items on the list have been followed by one person or another, and I've interacted with many on writers' boards here and there. It's awful. And it taints the reputation of the better indie authors.

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